WHO: Snail Flu Super-Pandemic Rushing Toward US Border

RTB: The press is so easily bought by the Government Health Agencies, that it’s nigh impossible to distinguish truth from parody these days…

AP: World Health Organization announces threat of mega-pandemic Snail Flu. Hundreds of Billions in Peril. Roche and Bristol-Meyers-Squibb Readying Experimental Vaccine.

It has been reported in scientifical papers soon to be published in Nature, that snails that were exposed to monkey feces in the Dominican Republic and South America have developed a new strain of super-flu called Y2K2. Several dozen cases of the superstrain are now reported in Costa Rica, and barreling at lightning speed toward US borders. The flu is notable for the threads and gobs of snail-like liquid that emerge from the noses of people infected with Y2K2, the virus that causes Snail Flu.

Anthony Fauci, Capo-da-tutti-capo of the National Institutes of Health stated in a memo that “billions of lives could be at stake, if this flu threat isn’t seized upon and given maximum exposure as quickly as possible in every news outlet, talk show, magazine, radio broadcast and internet page; If we don’t create a massive awareness of this problem, perhaps hundreds of billions of people could die.”

When Dr. Fauci was instructed in an internal memo that there are no more than 8 billion people on the planet, Dr. Fauci wrote back: “That is no reason to lower the number, our estimates are good. That is just what the Snail Flu denialists are counting on.”

Snail flu denialists, people who do not believe that Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu, causes Snail Flu, are being held in a Guantanamo Bay Education Center for re-education about Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu. Some have also received vaccination against the flu, and promptly died of Snail Flu.

“Perhaps they were not vaccinated in time,” said Dr. David P. Baltimoore, a specialist in Y2k2. “We’re still looking into it.”

Preparations are being made to make a new, experimental vaccine, “Gallofolle” available to the general public by tonight. “We are considering an ‘easy-delivery’ program,” said Dr. Fauci. When asked what the program would involve, Dr. Fauci stated that the best way to get the life-saving drug to the people would be to put it in white bread. “This would be especially good because it will get it to the children, whose denialist parents may be killing them by not vaccinating them as soon as possible against Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu.”

“But thank goodness most people will believe almost anything we tell them,” added Fauci, “it makes this whole operation so much easier.”

Gary Johnson, of Winnipeg Falls, Minnesota, said, “I’m really scared, don’t you know. I mean, first it was the bird flu there, and then the pig flu, and now this. I don’t see how any of us will survive. I hope the government takes over this whole thing soon, or else I don’t know what will happen.”

Mr. Johnson’s wife, Mary, took a different approach. “Well,” she said, “If there’s nothing we can do, I’ll just put my hands together and pray to the good Lord to see us through.”

But the NIH has issued a warning on prayer. According Dr. Fauci, “Prayer will do you no good, because there is no God, only the NIH.”


Copyright 2009, The Asphyxiated Press

7 thoughts on “WHO: Snail Flu Super-Pandemic Rushing Toward US Border

  1. It would seem entirely evident that this emerging Y2K2 pandemic is a direct result of the restrictive new guideline jointly announced by the WHO and NIH: “The only thing we have to fund is fear itself.”

  2. You’re all worrying needlessly, the 500000000000,00000000.0000000 doses of Tamiflu prepared for H5N1 have fortunately proven 30% effective in vitro against this rigorously isolated hybrid human-snail-monkey faeces-swine flu-did I mention rigorously isolated?-uber virus.

    In fact the outbreak might have contained itself in Costa Rica and Greenland, the only two places where fatalities are thought to have occurred so far.

    Scientists are now looking into how infected snails managed to fly that far from their natural habitat in Mongolia before succumbing to the deadly microbe. The result of the investigation is expected to be inconclusive, hence more funding is needed.

    To be afraid is to be safe

    CDC

  3. New Alert – please blog widely. Lives at stake.

    This is really worrying. However it is possible that a new vaccine is on the way, based on a substrate of squashed snails incububated at 24 degrees for two days. So far it has only been able to be safety tested for ten minutes, but this is, as we must admit, a great advance. In the meantime it is recommended that people stay isolated from all others within circles formed of snail bait toxin for at least a week. Mr H. Hogan, head of garden supplies at Flowers are Us, has said they have sufficient reserves of snail bait to protect 22.45 million people.

    President Obama has announced he is getting regular updates and that public spaces will be protected from snail incursion. “We have declared a heightened alert. This is a change and thus you can trust us. Our administration has a public mandate to deal with changes.”

    Janine Roberts B.Sc.

    Disclosure.
    Research Grant application lodged with Merck and the US Defense Department.

  4. FR Doc E6-8790

    SUMMARY: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is issuing this interim
    final rule to amend its regulations to establish a new exception from
    the general requirements for informed consent, to permit the use of
    investigational in vitro diagnostic devices to identify chemical,
    biological, radiological, or nuclear agents without informed consent in
    certain circumstances. The agency is taking this action because it is
    concerned that, during a potential terrorism event or other potential
    public health emergency, delaying the testing of specimens to obtain
    informed consent may threaten the life of the subject. In many
    instances, there may also be others who have been exposed to, or who
    may be at risk of exposure to, a dangerous chemical, biological,
    radiological, or nuclear agent, thus necessitating identification of
    the agent as soon as possible. FDA is creating this exception to help
    ensure that individuals who may have been exposed to a chemical,
    biological, radiological, or nuclear agent are able to benefit from the
    timely use of the most appropriate diagnostic devices, including those
    that are investigational.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *