RTB: The press is so easily bought by the Government Health Agencies, that it’s nigh impossible to distinguish truth from parody these days…
AP: World Health Organization announces threat of mega-pandemic Snail Flu. Hundreds of Billions in Peril. Roche and Bristol-Meyers-Squibb Readying Experimental Vaccine.
It has been reported in scientifical papers soon to be published in Nature, that snails that were exposed to monkey feces in the Dominican Republic and South America have developed a new strain of super-flu called Y2K2. Several dozen cases of the superstrain are now reported in Costa Rica, and barreling at lightning speed toward US borders. The flu is notable for the threads and gobs of snail-like liquid that emerge from the noses of people infected with Y2K2, the virus that causes Snail Flu.
Anthony Fauci, Capo-da-tutti-capo of the National Institutes of Health stated in a memo that “billions of lives could be at stake, if this flu threat isn’t seized upon and given maximum exposure as quickly as possible in every news outlet, talk show, magazine, radio broadcast and internet page; If we don’t create a massive awareness of this problem, perhaps hundreds of billions of people could die.”
When Dr. Fauci was instructed in an internal memo that there are no more than 8 billion people on the planet, Dr. Fauci wrote back: “That is no reason to lower the number, our estimates are good. That is just what the Snail Flu denialists are counting on.”
Snail flu denialists, people who do not believe that Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu, causes Snail Flu, are being held in a Guantanamo Bay Education Center for re-education about Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu. Some have also received vaccination against the flu, and promptly died of Snail Flu.
“Perhaps they were not vaccinated in time,” said Dr. David P. Baltimoore, a specialist in Y2k2. “We’re still looking into it.”
Preparations are being made to make a new, experimental vaccine, “Gallofolle” available to the general public by tonight. “We are considering an ‘easy-delivery’ program,” said Dr. Fauci. When asked what the program would involve, Dr. Fauci stated that the best way to get the life-saving drug to the people would be to put it in white bread. “This would be especially good because it will get it to the children, whose denialist parents may be killing them by not vaccinating them as soon as possible against Y2k2, the virus that causes Snail Flu.”
“But thank goodness most people will believe almost anything we tell them,” added Fauci, “it makes this whole operation so much easier.”
Gary Johnson, of Winnipeg Falls, Minnesota, said, “I’m really scared, don’t you know. I mean, first it was the bird flu there, and then the pig flu, and now this. I don’t see how any of us will survive. I hope the government takes over this whole thing soon, or else I don’t know what will happen.”
Mr. Johnson’s wife, Mary, took a different approach. “Well,” she said, “If there’s nothing we can do, I’ll just put my hands together and pray to the good Lord to see us through.”
But the NIH has issued a warning on prayer. According Dr. Fauci, “Prayer will do you no good, because there is no God, only the NIH.”
Copyright 2009, The Asphyxiated Press